whole wheat

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The first thing I will say is that I liked egg salad sandwiches, but I like no-egg salad better.  The second thing I will say is that realistically, if you don’t put pickles in your egg salad there is probably something seriously wrong with you, and this recipe is as good as it is because of them. And I don’t even like pickles in sandwiches. This is a testament, y’all.

So what is the secret? If you’re vegan or like to make jokes about vegans I bet you’ve already guessed it…chickpeas. They’re like the divine’s gift to all delicious meat-free foods. Hummus, falafel, even cookies! (I can’t find the cookie recipe now, but if I ever rediscover how I made those you know I’ll share it, they were awesome)

The best thing about this sandwich is the combination of the chickpeas and the whole wheat bread are a complete protein (I am probably going to write more about this soon). People love protein, right? They must, because seriously it’s all I ever hear about. Balance and moderation, people – she says as she snarfs more pizza on the couch in her pajamas (pizza, cheese + bread = also a complete protein, BOOM).

Anyway.

NO-EGG SALAD

YOU WILL NEED:

~16 oz cooked chickpeas (also known as garbanzo beans) or really, just however many you want for a sandwich
pickles as desired
veganaise -  I used Vegenaise brand by Follow Your Heart. I don’t know why they chose to spell it that way, though. (you could use mayo but since it has eggs in it kinda defeats the purpose)

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Optionally you can also add the other weird crap people put in egg salad to this, but that’s work and raw celery completely overpowers everything. I keep it simple and give wannabe gourmands wicked side-eye. But do you, boo. Do you.

INSTRUCTIONS

Mash the chickpeas.

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They don’t have to be super fine but keep in mind the fact that the chunkier they are the more likely it is your sandwich is going to be crumby…..BADUMTCHSSSSS. Sorry, not sorry.

Add pickles and mayo, as desired.

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Even though Follow Your Heart (who didn’t pay me to use this but may if they like) doesn’t have questionable ingredients, like soy for example, the fact that it is mayo still makes me use it sparingly. I later went back and added more. Also more pickles. (The jar is glass, btw, but the lid is plastic and it comes with one of those useless plastic seals. SO, IDK. Not really plastic free. In the future I am going to look into a vegan mayo recipe and see if I can do that plastic-free)

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Make your sandwich. I am trusting that this doesn’t need instructions.

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Annnd sandwich. Now take a friend on a picnic and ask them how the eff they are doing.

Pura Vida!

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Yes, I know it sounds impossible, but I did it. A couple years ago when my friend/hetero life partner Kelly found the recipe online (potentially this instructables recipe) we nearly lost our damn minds. CAKE. IN 5 MINUTES (OR LESS)? Shut. Up.

How is this green, or more sustainable, or waste free, you ask? Well, frankly, it technically isn’t. I mean, YES IT IS, all of the ingredients could feasibly be found in bulk, fair trade, vegan, made of moon beams, etc. It’s not 100%, but it’s a step ahead of making a whole chocolate cake, or a whole batch of brownies and then eating them all yourself…like I NEVER ever do. Regularly. Ahem.

Also, it uses less energy, sort of. I took a World Religion and Ecology class this spring semester, and the first class my professor asked who still uses a microwave, and it scared the daylights out of me. I love my microwave. I use it every day, and often lean on it and talk on my cell phone while it is in use…I KID.

So I was scared, right? And I came home and immediately launched into one of my declarative question statements Justin has learned to fear and loathe. They usually start, “So…I was thinking, and because [X event happened], I want to [drastic lifestyle change].” They usually end with him trying to talk me out of it by any means necessary. He is usually about 40 per cent successful with this tactic, depending on the subject.

This time I said “So today my professor was asking the class what kind of stuff they use at home, and its environmental health impact. He mentioned microwaves.”

To which I think Justin responded with an all-out defense of microwaves and radiation in general. Probably also nuclear fission and the 2nd amendment. I don’t really remember. He also said that microwaves, the way they’re built anyway, are supposed to shield their surroundings from harmful waves and that you can only be really affected when you stand right next to it/touch it. I didn’t buy it. I had another conversation about it with Ana, my lovely pre-med friend and Kelly’s flatmate. Her parents are both doctors, and she confirmed all of my deepest darkest fears by saying, “My mom never uses the microwave. I think she broke it intentionally years ago and just refuses to get a new one.”

So I spent the next two to three weeks using the oven and stovetop for EVERYTHING. Yeah, I didn’t do any personal research at first, I just kind of let fear rule me. Sometimes you need food (or for me most of the time, tea) in a hurry.

But then for my class, we read a book called Serve God, Save the Planet, in which Dr. Matthew Sleeth suggests using a microwave is a the most efficient way to cook food, since it uses a smaller amount of energy in a shorter amount of time. And he’s a doctor. Not an oncologist, per se, but a doctor nonetheless. So maybe Justin was right? The internet is no help on this one, there is a lot of conflicting squabbling on the subject. So is it safe?

Not sure, but the microwave habit is hard to break, especially knowing that a brownie is achievable near-instantly. But the jury’s out on this one.

My most frequent uses of the microwave are for:
1) Hot water (for tea).
2) To bring margarine to room temp for baking.
3) To thaw frozen veg, beans, or soup.
4) Rarely: to heat up frozen food, like tamales. I almost never heat refrigerated food. I don’t see the point, or the difference. Cold pizza has its charms.

Potential solutions?
1) Electric kettle, though it violates my “I don’t need more stuff” philosophy, or regular kettle on gas oven (more energy usage?) So, no good solutions. Maybe just less (hot) tea? My English heritage is horrified. Sun tea is an option, though it terrifies me how many people make sun tea in plastic bottles. Terrifies.
2) Plan ahead, and wait for it to defrost/warm up, duh.
3) See #2
4) Hmm. Probably # 2 again. Let it thaw in the fridge. I can live with that.

Anyway, if you have solutions, shoot them at me!

& now, finally, MUG BROWNIE!

YOU WILL NEED
A mug
A microwave
¼ cup (4 tablespoons) flour (I use organic unbleached all-purpose for extra sinfulness, but 100 per cent whole wheat works)
¼ cup sugar (I use unrefined evaporated cane, but you can use any sweetener. My most recent scary declarative was that I’m going to try to give up refined sugar…but this isn’t refined, so…it doesn’t count?)
2 tablespoons cocoa powder
2 tablespoons margarine, at room temp (the original recipe calls for vegetable oil, I always used olive)
2 tablespoons water

OPTIONAL EXTRAS (for maximized awesome)
handful of chocolate chips
handful of walnuts
1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract (or just a couple drops, really)
powdered sugar or raspberry preserves (or both!) for topping.

Stir the flour, sugar and cocoa powder together, add the margarine. Mix well, then add water. Microwave on high for 60 seconds (requires less effort than pressing 1-0-0, right?!). Let it cool for a bit.

DEVOUR ALL OF THE THINGS.

You’re welcome. Pura (in that only your happiness is pure) vida!

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Check. That. Out.

Ok, so remember in August when I posted my whole wheat beer bread recipe like it was the be all, end all of bread? Oh, was I wrong. How wrong I was. Ease and Convenience, my friends, you have failed me. Yeast bread is always better.

Granted, the beer bread is still a pretty cool quick bread recipe. If you need a passable sandwich, or pretty decent rustic baguette in under an hour, go for it. But if you’re trying to wean yourself off of store-bought plastic-wrapped sandwich bread, suck it up and do it the old-fashioned way.

“The old-fashioned way” involves yeast, kneading, and waiting. But it yields much better results and is kind of worth not having fresh bread really fast. And at first, my results were really disappointing. I couldn’t figure out why my yeast bread was coming out of the oven looking like a small chunk of concrete.

Surely there had to be a better way. So I did some internet research, and actually minded all of the old-school baking advice I’d conveniently ignored in the past.  This post was really helpful, as was another that pretty much concluded that whole wheat flour sucks at rising depending where it’s from, and that’s due to the gluten content.

Oh no, I’ve said the bad word. Gluten. Honestly, while I understand why wheat gluten (dreadlord of all gluten) is becoming a problem, evidenced by the upswing of celiac disease and gluten sensitivity, and I totally respect that it’s a serious problem for a growing number of people, especially in the US, for those who don’t have a sensitivity or allergy, there is little reason to avoid it. Unless your diet isn’t varied enough or you are using wheat products as a main staple in your diet, I can’t see why you need to run out and buy all kinds of overpriced, overpackaged “solutions” to the “problem.”

The reason for the vehemence on the subject (which I’ve found is incredibly touchy for some) is that a number of health food stores and restaurants are cashing in on the gluten-free craze by fueling the fad. Some doctors even recommend gluten-free diets for digestive problems, weight loss, skin conditions, etc. There have been studies, which I’m sure were extremely conclusive about the dangers of not eating well.

However, I am not a doctor, so my opinion doesn’t have any weight here. Sometimes people try a gluten-free diet and realize they have a sensitivity. Hell, I might have a sensitivity! And I can certainly get on board with breaking from mono-culture, and the wheat dependence in the US.

So what’s my answer to the wheat dilemma? Well, I don’t have one. I do eat less bread these days, and what flour I do buy is organic, which might be better but I couldn’t tell you how much. The truth is bread is a pretty integral part of my cultural diet identity. Toast for breakfast, Pb&J for lunch, rolls or biscuits or garlic bread with dinner, that’s how I was raised. I’ve already shifted my diet a lot in the past few years to center it away from meat-substitutes and animal products, and like I said, I’m eating way less bread. It’s an ongoing endeavor.

Anyway, tangent over, the reason I mentioned it is because the secret to fluffy, rising 100 per cent whole wheat bread is just that: vital wheat gluten. The gluten is actually the protein part of the grain, and is what gives bread dough the elasticity to stretch and rise. The yeast is what does the actual work. Whole wheat flours, depending where the wheat was harvested, will have differing amounts of gluten. In my experience, the gluten content is low enough that I was baking dry whole wheat bricks.

Okay, I lied, there are actually 2 ways (only one of which I have tried) to bake a better whole wheat loaf.

1) Add a tablespoon of vital wheat gluten for each cup of flour.

2) Knead the dough until your arms fall off.

I always pick Option 1, because kneading for longer than 5 minutes makes me want to fall asleep with the dough as a pillow. Unfortunately, I can’t find vital wheat gluten in anything other than Bob’s Red Mill plastic bags. I go through it really really slowly, so I’m hoping by the time I finish up this bag (which I’ve had for several months, and made seitan a few times in addition to bread baking) I’ll find a plastic free way to buy it. Or I’ll have acquired…

A seafoam green Kitchenaid stand mixer with a dough hook attachment and opened a bakery with Jenny. Though technically it’s called “pistachio.” Ah, dreams.

My bread recipe is a modified version of the King Arthur recipe. Also, my bread looks more awesome. Just sayin’.

YOU WILL NEED:

3 1/2 cups whole wheat flour
3 tablespoons vital wheat gluten flour
2 1/2 teaspoons instant yeast
1/4 cup sugar(or other sweetener such as honey, molasses, or maple syrup)
1 1/4 cup warm water
1/4 cup olive oil
1 teaspoon salt

YIELDS 1 loaf

INSTRUCTIONS:

In a large bowl, mix flour, VWG, instant yeast, and sweetener. Add warm water and stir until the dough becomes too stiff and knead by hand until well mixed. Probably you could add the oil at this point, but I vaguely recall doing that a few times and getting really stiff dough in return. Not adding it yet has served me quite well, so we’ll go with that.

Now, wash your hands and go do something for like 15 minutes. This way the dough has time to rest (or autolyse) and get even more malleable and awesome. Integral step.

Come back, and add your oil and salt. Knead. Knead. Knead some more. Technically speaking you should kneading for like, 15-20 minutes. Not gonna lie, I don’t do this. I maybe knead it for like 5, or longer until it’s well mixed and malleable and stretchy. 10 max.

Form a ball and cover the dough in the bowl with a towel (a damp, warmed towel if it’s really cold and dry out) and forget about it for several hours. Seriously, the longer you let the dough rise, the better it will be. All recipes say until it doubles in size, and that it will start to get funny if you leave it too long, but I once forgot about the dough for like 5 or 6 hours and it came out amazing.

Remember your dough, uncover it, smush it gently into a ball, and form it into a loaf. You don’t want to wring all of the gases out, but you also want to make sure you’re not going to bake bread with a giant hole in the center. Place the loaf in your greased loaf pan and forget about it again. It should rise for about an hour, but I tend to leave it longer. I usually put it in the oven when the top starts to look precariously high above the pan’s edge.

Before baking, about 90 minutes 2nd rise time.

Bake it at 350 Fahrenheit for about 40-45 minutes, or until the loaf sounds hollow when you tap it.

After.

Et voila! Your bread should be awesome. If not, I apologize deeply for misleading you into thinking I ever know what I’m talking about. Hopefully you’ve learned a lesson about listening to me. EDIT: Wait to slice your bread until it’s cooled. It makes a difference in the consistency, promise. Wait, no, why are you listening to me?!

Toast, DIY Nutella in moderation, and pura vida!

p.s. A friend (who was super impressed by my bread, FYI) asked me how many calories there are in a slice. I have no fucking idea, and that is the way I like it.

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One of my biggest challenges in creating less waste has been buying & storing bread. I’d never noticed before I started worrying about the content of my food & the way it is packaged, but most bread is baked with bleached, enriched flour, and wrapped in not one, but usually TWO plastic bags. Mind boggling.

I grew up eating enriched, bleached flour white bread, or enriched wheat bread, what I call “sawdust” bread. It doesn’t taste bad, but it’s not very healthy, and my mom gravitates toward the cheapest “value” brands like a fly to honey. Now that I know how little nutrition those brands contain, it makes sense how cheap they are.

After I got obsessive about reading the ingredient label (you’ll find some surprising things there) and managed to only buy whole grain or whole wheat bread, I had to focus on getting rid of the plastic. I tried buying from my grocer’s bakery, but there were plastic windows in the paper wrapping, buying directly from a bakery, but the loaves were gigantic and by the time I got through with it the loaf was stale (I stored it in the fridge in paper—BAD IDEA!), even after eating nothing but toast & grilled cheese every day. Which was delicious, but boring.
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